Wanderlust

A brilliantly sunny, breezy, Sunday will make you think. Mostly about what it is you’re doing and why it isn’t allowing you to have more days like this. Sunday’s shouldn’t be the only days reserved for introspection and enjoyment of personal passions. I find myself on the balcony drying a quilt and feeling the dissonance. Ya know that familiar ache. The “why am I running so hard towards things others say I should want instead what I want?” Then my eyes lit upon this camera. Usually just another end in my odds, but not today. Today it had a personality and a presence. I’ve always loved cameras and their infinitude. The endless possibilities that present themselves through a view finder.

However, it makes me more than a little sad. I feel like those endless possibilities are lost to me. By my own doing and that which necessitates “success” in the material sense. I want to spend more of my life enraptured in the duality of the view finder instead of the monotony that leaves no trace. Cameras remind me of unbridled freedom, secrets, expression… that which I’m lacking. Even if it isn’t a 10-day jungle adventure in India or a stroll through monarchies past..I should be out exploring. Opening up myself to the weekend. To the world that pushes itself ever so gently to my senses. Time is so valuable and I am not spending it in a way that reveres that notion.

Then comes my deep sigh of awareness, acceptance and knowing. Because there is no reason to ask how I got here. I only need look around me to find my answer. Cords. Everywhere to everything. The dust on the poor thing mirroring that which layers my dreams and ambitions lately. Quality, if you’re out there….I’m looking for you.

The Lesson

Dear Mom,

 

You got diagnosed with cancer in April. I’m heartbroken. On the heels of losing my Dad not even a year ago, believe me when I say heartbroken. I can hear the worry and unease laced in your voice that maintains that confident timbre and cadence you’ve had my whole life. Cancer is scary. Cancer is…FUCK CANCER to be real. But ma you’re like cancer in a lot of ways. You started in an undetectable way, mistreating me, bullying me, making me accountable and responsible for your perceived failures. By the time I was 16 you metastasized and I was flipping couches over and you were choke slamming me against the door. Why? Because I wanted to treat myself, I wanted to combat your disease, by standing up for myself. I was put down. But I went into remission temporarily. But you never left. Just like your problems now. They just haven’t quite gone…left.  This isn’t a diatribe to villainize you and victimize me this is a “let me be real with you real quick at the crux of what could be your downfall” type shit.

 

See it’s 1:18 pm on May 26, 2017. We just got off the phone. I have ignored your calls. Yeah go ahead and call me a shitty kid, I’ll own it proud. But also know that it’s a struggle and an internal beat down every time I do it. It isn’t because I’m disrespectful it’s because after 2008 I found my chemo,  my therapy, my release. Y’all…I found my peace. Disjointed like the soldered lines of stained glass but as beautiful as the diamonds of dew laying on a lawn in the AM. I healed…I started at least. I came a long way. But that isn’t a story for right now but it’s a foundation for what lies ahead.

 

I can’t be there for you the way I need to be, the way my obligation demands of me, the way God intends because you don’t know that you don’t deserve it. The damage you have done to me. The subtlety in your poisonous presence. The toxicity you have nurtured that is more pervasive than any needle or shot. It holds me back. My brother, my keeper, to his credit and my shame he keeps me conscious. Of you. Aware of the maelstrom that has been cultivated in the midst of what most would have filled with love and familial fortune. He, without knowing, or with full knowledge gives me permission to be whole. Where you have revoked my every right to sovereignty of destiny and intention and robbed me of my right to feel, express and disconnect and having done so with my captive audience grade consent. He will not let me abnegate my needs, sacrifice my soul, to honor and aid that which has baptized me in darkness and pain for so many years.  The surface is your Ph.D., charm and disconcerting smile that lulls those who do not know you into submission and acceptance. Many are those that you have swayed to mirror your admonishments about my lack of personhood. When those are strangers, shadows, who wouldn’t’ fucking know my face out in this wild that we call the global hood.

 

I’m a shitty person. I am a fuck up. I am whole and I will remain so. You are in your hour of need and I can’t be there. My own personal hell. You need me and I do not need a thing from you. My grace and grit have turned to a stoic acceptance of never having a mother. My high hopes and fervent prayers of reconciling this bone deep rift have been retired on the grave of my father. Where you laid your love for a daughter I will never know. But heed me when I tell you

 

I AM NOT YOUR HUSBAND. I AM NOT YOUR FATHER. I AM NOT THE WEAKNESS YOU SAW IN YOUR MOTHER. I AM NOT YOU. I AM NOT YOUR PARENT. I DID NOT FAIL YOU.

 

Chalk this up to my adjustment disorder that you so readily color me with. Chalk it up to me being a punk ass kid. I don’t care.

 

Read that again.

 

I DO NOT CARE.

 

27 YEARS. I finally can distance myself. 27 years. I can walk away and swallow the guilt and the disappointment because it isn’t a part of me. It is a side effect of you. It is the symptoms of the radical poison of setting oneself free from the certain destruction of self. I will continue to apply that salve, imbibe that tincture, steep myself in those waters. Concentrated power of will. Reinforcement. Remembering. I will not drown.

You have my civility. My sympathies. Nothing more. No one deserves cancer, least of all my own mother. I love you, Mom. But the loneliness you feel now is just the beginning. The bed you’ve made, the row you’ve sown. This is my lesson for you.

If it seems like, it is- an open letter about where I am

Take this as my State of Self Address. Perhaps one of many, maybe an army of one. If it seems I have changed, know you are not mistaken. It is my right to do so but also a necessity to maintain the light that resides within. If you feel I have reached out to you, moved away from you, come to your aid, given or retracted my support….I HAVE.

Two years in the making and now dawn is here. It has broken over my life much as the sun blazes its fiery arrival across an early morning sky. I need, I feel, I want, and I will emote. There is beauty and breath of life in the process- trial, tribulation, perseverance, resolution, release. Help is not shameful it is a gentle lacing of carry on drizzled over the whole of a soul that is pulled taut with doing it all alone. If I need you, you will know now. If the sun isn’t as bright today I will not flex my Michelangelo to make it so for the benefit of others. The tourniquet, the flow impeding barrier that is the never ending want from others, is undone. It got me nowhere fast.

If you’re reading this, find your own happiness. Because I’m too busy working on my own to carry you through life. If it sucks, change it. If you hate it, stop doing it. Want it? Take it. Yep, that sounds exactly like those motivational posters and speeches. I constantly live it. It is much, much easier to throw in the towel and give up. Blame someone else for my inability to achieve. I did myself a favor by starting to own my part in situations. It breeds a habit in you of shutting the hell up and working harder. I’m about my business and minding my business….I’ve seen quite a bit of success since.

My phone is quiet. Facebook messages pretty bare. I go out rarely. My bills are paid, I sleep well at night, I bought a new car, and the relationships I have invested in wholeheartedly are flourishing. Only reach for me if you have something to contribute. If friendship is a business deal as much as a soul pact to grow the holiness of being oneself. Let’s exchange soup recipes and business plans, dreams and honest opinions about politics, advice on professional development and new musical muses. I want to be the TIME Freshman class-something to offer the world, offer others, provide for myself.

Support. Grow. Connect. Or kick rocks, cool?

Simplicity

A gaze out a car window whilst the warm, gentle touch of your lover encompasses your hand.

The ice cream truck showing up and you have perfect change

Remembering ‘i’ before ‘e’ without having to recite the saying

No phones during a meal

A strong gust of wind blowing through your hair in that refreshing, empowering type of way

Sunday afternoons.

Free samples at the farmers market (simple yet a huge win)

floral dresses with a-line skirts

Removing a bra after a long day….

Simplicity  is the carefree conglomerate of all the small things that make existence shine more than usual.

 

Boundaries

Boundaries Post

 

 

We are taught that you are not supposed to throw people away or impose rules over how and in what manner they can approach you. Taught that if something is going wrong in any type of relationship you should volunteer your mental health and emotional bank account to rectify it.

That’s wrong. It takes a long time to unlearn but it is well worth it. People are in your life for reasons and seasons. Audit your personal interactions and see where you stand. Is that emotionally expensive friend worth it? Do you REALLY want to meet their parents? No? Guess what? You’re not obligated to continue with the charade. Yes, for awhile you’ll feel guilty but for the rest of your life you’ll feel free.

Now this is not to say that anytime there is trouble in the proverbial paradise you should mic drop and dip. In light of that I want to introduce you to a mechanism so powerful and revolutionary it cannot even be monetized! What is this miraculous thingamajig you ask? BOUNDARIES. Yep, good ole “stay in your lane and mind your damn business” juice. Take note this is infinitely harder than telling someone to kick the bricks.

Setting boundaries and communcation go hand in hand in every aspect of life. You wouldn’t let that slack mouth coworker of yours question your life decisions, why are you letting your wife’s mother? That single parent friend who insists they are the oracle of child rearing….the best friend that really is just a slack ass mooch. Any of these sound familiar to you? There is everything right with letting these individuals in your life know that although you respect their right to have an opinion you aren’t obligated to care. Right after that let them know you are more than happy to make cuts to the team if they aren’t trying to help the cause (the cause being your journey to success and your happiness). Sit back and watch how they switch up.

We love the people we surround ourselves with, hence them being called loved ones. But make sure that loved one loves you and isn’t the one clapping when you fall down. No one in your ranks should hold you back, harm your spirit, or try to shake your peace….

 

 

Thursday Check In

I hope you’re okay today. Who ever you are. I wish nothing but good things for you and want you to keep faith and high expectation in the good that is to come for you. Also the minute you woke up this morning, you were enough. For anyone. For everyone. You’re enough. Someone hears you. Although it may not be obvious, there is someone somewhere looking up to you. Cheering you on. There are at least 3 things you can be thankful for today, find solace and rejoice in that if your day has been troubled. Good vibes to you.

 

Hugs,

Weiss

The last word isn’t worth it. When you realize…

It sucks, but it’s true. Just had a fight Lost my shit yesterday. It gets extremely exhausting trying to be strong when you aren’t. Wasn’t feeling it anymore. It has been difficult trying teach someone a love language they aren’t used to. When they don’t think they are worthy of love and someone being good to them…it is almost like you have to break their brain and retrain it. FRUSTRATING. They may lash out, pull away, act up…like a caged animal being set free after years of mistreatment.

Still no excuse for me to have snapped the way I did. I do not regret getting my point across, disappointed in myself for the way I got it across.

**Full disclosure** I am sensational at destruction. I was told once a long time ago by a respected family friend that I am fair and level headed but a force of nature. If I have something to say the world will know if I so choose, and I will not be defied. An extremely sharp double edged sword. Don’t get me wrong it has served me well on different occasion in different ways, but it’s my personal kind of black magic so to speak- takes a little bit of the soul overtime it rears.

That being said I stay away from it at all costs. I regulate myself and have coached my self into rationality and logical thinking. So oddly I am proud of feeling guilty for gassing a blowout. My feelings were hurt and I was fit to be tied from the last few weeks of making everything out of nothing ya know? So a pointed inquiry about my use of a metal whisk on a metal pan, despite the beautiful dinner prepared pictured threw me into the fire. (Please note I DID NOT use the whisk on the pan, I’m not a bumbling moron).

All that to say, I did not vie to have the last word. You heard it here first. Me, ole laser precision soul crusher didn’t go for the KO. Usually it isn’t worth it but it feels good, however unnecessary it is. But I have found someone who doesn’t deserve it and that I have no wish to take out like that.

Now don’t pat me on the back I didn’t reconcile, my after burners are still in full force from it. I am having to wrestle with this feeling of hurting like I was the one that got shot versus the one pulling the trigger. This is new, and confusing. But I need to apologize for blind siding them.