So after the irresponsibly long water break (sorry guys life happened and slacked forgives Dobby, Sire) let’s finish this up bombshell!
Now where were we? Oh yes the remaining questions: Are tights considered leggings and ultimately considered pants? Why is finding a job so hard? What am I doing wrong? Has the demon lord taken a personal interest in ruining my life?!
TIGHTS ARE NOT, I REPEAT, ARE NOT LEGGINGS! EVER!
Let me set the stage for this, I am VERY liberal about what I consider pants k? But harsh reality is what horrifying adulthood is made of. But seriously c’mon…you know those were see through when you bought them at Target. Alas, they are very cute but not acceptable as pants. This is a good time to also mention that there are leggings that are not making the cut as pants either. How to determine this? Take your hand and insert them in the pants as sexy as you like, if you can see said hand through the fabric..NOT PANTS. If this isn’t enough to convince you slip into those bad boys. Now take em for a spin, squat, bend over, overly analyze your cute butt…if at any point you can see your skin through them NOT PANTS. But this gives the perfect excuse to throw on that ultra cute oversized hoodie and boots, or the dress you can’t justify wearing because it’s Paris Hilton 2007 short.
Moving right along my starshines:
Finding jobs is hard. The end. This generation has gotten the explosive diarrhea end of this shit stick. Look around some austere article outlining this is only a click away. But Weiss however shall we beat this? Become what you most fear; your parents. Yes, I know. Cue the shrill horror soundtrack, but lets face it- it ain’t weird if it works.
I challenge you to look up a few different definitions of the term “millennial”. I’ll wait.
FISTS AND PITCHFORKS DOWN SUGAR PLUM! You don’t fit any of that do you? None of us do. 1983- 1992 (modified age range because I’ve found in personal observation it’s a bit more accurate) are echo boomers. We are exactly what our parents made us with a shot of the strongest form of progressive nature, or the “dreamers disease”. We still believe hard work, consistent results above expectation = success and opportunity. DO NOT LOSE THAT in the age of Vine, IG and stupid people encouraging stupid people to be stupid. No one owes us anything and we know that. So listen very closely to this next part:
- Invest in a well fitting business professional outfit. Don’t you dare go into H&M or Body Central. Shun the “juniors” section YOU AREN’T IN HS ANYMORE! This tip right here can be what makes or breaks you during the interview process. You want to beat that trollop wearing the leggings as pants and old douche canoe with the Macklemore haircut!
- Swing by an office supply store and pick up a nice portfolio.
- Ask an adult you respect to critique your interview look, if they are impressed you’re on the right track. Aesthetic is everything.
- Apply for jobs you actually want. I know sometimes you just need something, but it’s much easier to be enthusiastic when you really want something.
- Have questions on hand that address things that are important to you in the work place. YOU WILL ASK THESE, PROMISE ME NOW!
- When you land the interview, make sure to type of a “stats sheet” on the company. Their mission statement, any major business mergers/acquisitions, names of the Prez/VP/Comptroller etc. This NEVER fails.
- Be you. Don’t say what you think they need to hear. Also pepper in your personal values and code of ethics–> adultier adults love this!
- Lastly, IT IS OK TO BE SMART, AMBITIOUS AND HUNGRY. It’s not desperate, it says you have sworn yourself into the legion of success and will produce by any means necessary.
HAHAHAHA! On to my favorite topic the all rude, grand master of Petty– the demon lord.
Okay, so you’re laughing rolling your eyes like “this bitch”. But riddle me this have you ever hand one of those days (weeks or years) that makes no sense. Like things are going wrong, awkward and just down right irresponsibly? You my dear have run into the demon lord. Now I’ll be the first to say don’t point fingers when things get wonky, but fuck it all if some things aren’t just extraordinarily cosmically unjust. This is when it is perfectly in bounds to just “DAMMIT DEMON LORD”.
Yep this little apple munching bastard is who I picture.
(art from twitter user @Ryukapplediary, depicted is Ryuk the Japanese Shinigami from the anime “Death Note”.)
But in all honesty those times, although cliché sounding, are what makes you quite the refined little minx. Problematic situations fine tune your ability to adapt and grow. What I just said in no way makes me feel better about shitty happenings and probably doesn’t make you feel elated either. However this might:
IF THE JOURNEY OF LIFE DOESN’T SCARE YOU SHITLESS 5EVR YOU ARE NOT DOING IT RIGHT.
IF YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN SO NERVOUS THAT YOU HAD TO POOP RIGHT AWAY, AGAIN NOT DOING IT RIGHT
LAYING ON THE FLOOR CONTEMPLATING BECOMING A BUM, DRUG DEALER, RAPPER, STRIPPER, OR A CLERGY MEMBER IS TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE
Want to know why? Because you’re saying, doing, and feeling these things as you subconsciously have already started to plan and regroup. You make it every time. You’re the most clutch player on your team. When you’re ready to give up YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT, because you’re giving this brief blip on the universal screen every bit of hell you can muster. Keep it up Billy Badass, whatever works, keep it up!