Boundaries

Boundaries Post

 

 

We are taught that you are not supposed to throw people away or impose rules over how and in what manner they can approach you. Taught that if something is going wrong in any type of relationship you should volunteer your mental health and emotional bank account to rectify it.

That’s wrong. It takes a long time to unlearn but it is well worth it. People are in your life for reasons and seasons. Audit your personal interactions and see where you stand. Is that emotionally expensive friend worth it? Do you REALLY want to meet their parents? No? Guess what? You’re not obligated to continue with the charade. Yes, for awhile you’ll feel guilty but for the rest of your life you’ll feel free.

Now this is not to say that anytime there is trouble in the proverbial paradise you should mic drop and dip. In light of that I want to introduce you to a mechanism so powerful and revolutionary it cannot even be monetized! What is this miraculous thingamajig you ask? BOUNDARIES. Yep, good ole “stay in your lane and mind your damn business” juice. Take note this is infinitely harder than telling someone to kick the bricks.

Setting boundaries and communcation go hand in hand in every aspect of life. You wouldn’t let that slack mouth coworker of yours question your life decisions, why are you letting your wife’s mother? That single parent friend who insists they are the oracle of child rearing….the best friend that really is just a slack ass mooch. Any of these sound familiar to you? There is everything right with letting these individuals in your life know that although you respect their right to have an opinion you aren’t obligated to care. Right after that let them know you are more than happy to make cuts to the team if they aren’t trying to help the cause (the cause being your journey to success and your happiness). Sit back and watch how they switch up.

We love the people we surround ourselves with, hence them being called loved ones. But make sure that loved one loves you and isn’t the one clapping when you fall down. No one in your ranks should hold you back, harm your spirit, or try to shake your peace….

 

-Hope

The last word isn’t worth it. When you realize…

It sucks, but it’s true. Just had a fight Lost my shit yesterday. It gets extremely exhausting trying to be strong when you aren’t. Wasn’t feeling it anymore. It has been difficult trying teach someone a love language they aren’t used to. When they don’t think they are worthy of love and someone being good to them…it is almost like you have to break their brain and retrain it. FRUSTRATING. They may lash out, pull away, act up…like a caged animal being set free after years of mistreatment.

Still no excuse for me to have snapped the way I did. I do not regret getting my point across, disappointed in myself for the way I got it across.

**Full disclosure** I am sensational at destruction. I was told once a long time ago by a respected family friend that I am fair and level headed but a force of nature. If I have something to say the world will know if I so choose, and I will not be defied. An extremely sharp double edged sword. Don’t get me wrong it has served me well on different occasion in different ways, but it’s my personal kind of black magic so to speak.

That being said I stay away from it at all costs. I regulate myself and have coached my self into rationality and logical thinking. So oddly I am proud of feeling guilty for gassing a blowout. My feelings were hurt and I was fit to be tied from the last few weeks of making everything out of nothing ya know? So a pointed inquiry about my use of a metal whisk on a metal pan, despite the beautiful dinner prepared pictured threw me into the fire. (Please note I DID NOT use the whisk on the pan, I’m not a bumbling moron).

All that to say, I did not vie to have the last word. You heard it here first. Me, ole laser precision soul crusher didn’t go for the KO. Usually it isn’t worth it but it feels good, however unnecessary it is. But I have found someone who doesn’t deserve it and that I have no wish to take out like that.

Now don’t pat me on the back I didn’t reconcile, my after burners are still in full force from it. I am having to wrestle with this feeling of hurting like I was the one that got shot versus the one pulling the trigger. This is new, and confusing. But I need to apologize for blind siding them.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

I’ve come across more people in the last few years that have been subject to someone with this type of personality. I thought it was just me, just not being enough for my mother. Not being enough as a human. I am hesitant to slap a title on something, as loosely as they are used these days. But this particular subject has merit and gravitas for those who know the person this describes. Below I have included both the Mayo Clinic definition and the one from the DSM-IV. Please keep in mind this is an actual diagnosable mental condition. An evaluation by a trained professional is necessary to assess one for this disorder. Keep in mind, how someone treats you says more about them than it does about you. -Hope

Definition

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you’re not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.

Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around talk therapy (psychotherapy).

 

 

A. A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.

6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.

7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:

A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:

1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

a. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.

b. Self-direction: Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.

AND

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):

a. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.

b. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others‟ experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain

B. Pathological personality traits in the following domain:

1. Antagonism, characterized by:

Grandiosity: Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert;

 

 

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

 

self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescending toward others.

b. Attention seeking: Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.

C. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.

D. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual‟s developmental stage or socio-cultural environment.

E. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).

You mean I HAVE to put pants on?

You dream about affordable quality housing, being able to finance a vehicle without entering a blood pact to give away your first born (or at this rate your cat), and a closet full of clothes that aren’t “gently used”– welcome to your mid-20s. If right at this moment you are cussing Carrie Bradshaw and her oh so marshmellowy fashionista ” life is hard but walking in heels on cobblestone streets in Paris is harder” vibe, CUSS ON SISTER!

Us non-silver spoon sucking beings, must in fact work and try to figure out this tangled mess called adulthood. It’s ugly and uncomfortable and usually requires a lot of gangster rap and 90s grunge with a dash of self pep talks (after a fair amount of self deprecating ranting) well at least for me. But alas here we are and there the world is *peers disapprovingly at the so called world in that “You can’t sit with us type of way”*. It’s confusing and the ‘rents are stuck in the Clinton years with no perspective or useful advice, the economy is somewhere between that drunk guy in the corner and Wilhelmina from “Ugly Betty” and you’re unsure if your words texted per minute is resume appropriate. What to do? Where’s my booze? Are tights considered leggings and ultimately considered pants? Why is finding a job so hard? What am I doing wrong? Has the demon lord taken a personal interest in ruining my life?!

All of those are fine questions m’lady so lets go in order shall we?

What to do?

  1. Log out of Facebook- do it. DO IT NOW. It’s extraordinarily easy to fall into the bad habit of comparing your life to someone else’s and judging books by their often incredibly photogenic covers. Maybe they suck, maybe their life is a storybook but honestly you don’t care you’re just trying to distract yourself from other less appealing things in your life.
  2. Stop sharing every shred of your life. C’mon girl don’t nobody want to hear about or see the screenshot from that one particularly jerk ass guy you won’t stop sleeping with. We get it. I know it’s YOUR social media account and yes, you may do whatever you like, however what do you gain? What hole are you trying to fill or image are you trying to project? Think about it. Having a little mystery about yourself is never a bad thing, plus you’re SUPER capable lady love, you don’t need the opinion of the general populace to sway or alter your feelings or dreams.
  3. STEP AWAY FROM THE CELLULAR DEVICE, seriously put the damn thing down and take a few days to observe the world without a tempered glass screen in front of it. Scary, I know. But honestly give it a shot, you’d be surprised how much that little buzzing, beeping rectangle is holding you back from. Also you’ll notice how unhealthy your relationship with an inanimate object really is.
  4.  Drink more water. That’s it.
  5. http://www.topresume.com get that resume in shape and start going after opportunities you are really passionate about.
  6. Go back to school. Ew. Yassss I feel you honey, but shut up and get your life together. Knowledge isn’t only power it’s the key to success (yes DJ Khaled agrees with me) and no one can take it away from you. Plus you become ultra marketable AND dammit if you don’t look cute with a messy bun and your glasses on!
  7. Use the rest of your Ulta points- and then cool it on the beauty products and makeup tutorials. You are queenin’ the minute you wake up. Feel like a little color throw some on. But don’t ever feel like you have to follow makeup trends to be considered beautiful, not all of those trends make sense or are even all that attractive, not to mention how rude they are to your bank account. If your eyebrows don’t look like the Hollister bird and your eyeliner doesn’t look like an engineer did it, no one is going to notice because you’re a dime anyway.

WHERE’S MY BOOOOZE?

Alright sugar plum, hate to break it to you, but lay off the fire water. Drinking now and then totally more than okay. A glass with dinner or while watching your favorite show is the best. But drinking to cope isn’t. You had a nasty day at work reaching for the bottle isn’t the best option, while you think you’ll feel better alcohol is a depressant which can make things worse i.e. texting that jerk ass guy you won’t stop seeing. Break yourself of that all to normal tendency to associate negative feelings with a the need to drink. I’m guilty of it, no shame. Don’t do that to yourself though, it’s a form of self harm even though seemingly minor. Learn to vent and express yourself in a more healthy sober form: painting, writing, taking a walk, or my personal favorite hardcore dance sesh to my favorite Google Play channel.

Let’s let this soak in awhile and take a water break…

-Hope

It Isn’t Even You

There are few things more frustrating than circumstances being rough and they have nothing to do with you, but directly effect you due to how they are effecting someone else. It is in essence being asked of you to be two sides of yourself simultaneously. Be understanding and supportive but be upset and confused because you don’t understand why you’re being treated less than desirably. It isn’t you. And fuck it all if that isn’t the precise thing that enrages you. IT ISN’T EVEN YOU. You’re the beautiful thing in the situation and there is perhaps a thought that it’s protecting you…to keep you from the bad times without any recognition of your want and desire to be there regardless. Because regardless, in and of itself, is one of the most mind bending concepts in human relationships. It’s rare. Someone who is capable of “regardless” with another, that is terrifying for everyone involved. Until the moment that they get it, the other person accepts and understands that regardless you’re ready. Maybe that’s when the axis tilts, when I get there I’ll let everyone know. Current feeling is a slow motion fall where you are able to see all the outcomes possible when you finally land… happy vibes and prayers to landing where my heart wants to be.

HBO Seeks Diverse, Emerging Writers for HBOAccess Writing | Shadow and Act

HBO Seeks Diverse, Emerging Writers for HBOAccess Writing | Shadow and Act.

Wanted to share this unique opportunity from HBO. For any and all diverse aspiring screen/play writers. They start accepting applications March 4, 2015 and they stop taking applications once they reach 1,000. This is a great opportunity to get your work out there and put yourself on the road to possibly be chosen and to be exposed to industry heavy weights! There are a few rules and regulations that should be read over, otherwise good luck!

High five to everyone who applies!

-Weiss Words

10 Job Interview Questions You Should Ask – Forbes

10 Job Interview Questions You Should Ask – Forbes.

As promised this article contains some questions that are great to ask the interviewer. Often times they won’t be expecting it and can land you some extra notice. Well written and to the point. I’ve used these tips when appropriate and have had a lot of academic and professional successes.

Happy reading,

Weiss Words