Dear Melissa,

Thank you for your wonderful spirit at the hood hair store. Yes we were being watched by the owners, because you know more than one of us and we are about to steal ALL the Cantu products.

Hope you are reading this. You inspired me to get back to this writing, advicing, thing. I appreciate you. You are the definition of Black Girls Rock, supporting another woman genuinely and wholeheartedly. So shout out to you today!

 

-Hope

Tuesday Thoughts

Thank ya Jesus for waking me up.

It’s May and it’s cold for why?

Why is this dude always gone on Tuesday but here it is Tuesday and here he sits?

Why Fetty lose an eye and we still out here strugglin’?

Why Plies run off on the plug?

Who hurt Young Metro? He don’t trust nobody

 

Nope, definitely not wearing pants homie.

So after the irresponsibly long water break (sorry guys life happened and slacked forgives Dobby, Sire) let’s finish this up bombshell!

Now where were we? Oh yes the remaining questions:  Are tights considered leggings and ultimately considered pants? Why is finding a job so hard? What am I doing wrong? Has the demon lord taken a personal interest in ruining my life?!

TIGHTS ARE NOT, I REPEAT, ARE NOT LEGGINGS! EVER!

Let me set the stage for this, I am VERY liberal about what I consider pants k? But harsh reality is what horrifying adulthood is made of. But seriously c’mon…you know those were see through when you bought them at Target. Alas, they are very cute but not acceptable as pants. This is a good time to also mention that there are leggings that are not making the cut as pants either. How to determine this? Take your hand and insert them in the pants as sexy as you like, if you can see said hand through the fabric..NOT PANTS. If this isn’t enough to convince you slip into those bad boys. Now take em for a spin, squat, bend over, overly analyze your cute butt…if at any point you can see your skin through them NOT PANTS. But this gives the perfect excuse to throw on that ultra cute oversized hoodie and boots, or the dress you can’t justify wearing because it’s Paris Hilton 2007 short.

Moving right along my starshines:

Finding jobs is hard. The end. This generation has gotten the explosive diarrhea end of this shit stick. Look around some austere article outlining this is only a click away. But Weiss however shall we beat this? Become what you most fear; your parents. Yes, I know. Cue the shrill horror soundtrack, but lets face it- it ain’t weird if it works.

I challenge you to look up a few different definitions of the term “millennial”. I’ll wait.

FISTS AND PITCHFORKS DOWN SUGAR PLUM! You don’t fit any of that do you? None of us do. 1983- 1992 (modified age range because I’ve found in personal observation it’s a bit more accurate) are echo boomers. We are exactly what our parents made us with a shot of the strongest form of progressive nature, or the “dreamers disease”. We still believe hard work, consistent results above expectation = success and opportunity. DO NOT LOSE THAT in the age of Vine, IG and stupid people encouraging stupid people to be stupid. No one owes us anything and we know that. So listen very closely to this next part:

  1. Invest in a well fitting business professional outfit. Don’t you dare go into H&M or Body Central. Shun the “juniors” section YOU AREN’T IN HS ANYMORE! This tip right here can be what makes or breaks you during the interview process. You want to beat that trollop wearing the leggings as pants and old douche canoe with the Macklemore haircut!
  2. Swing by an office supply store and pick up a nice portfolio.
  3. Ask an adult you respect to critique your interview look, if they are impressed you’re on the right track. Aesthetic is everything.
  4. Apply for jobs you actually want. I know sometimes you just need something, but it’s much easier to be enthusiastic when you really want something.
  5. Have questions on hand that address things that are important to you in the work place. YOU WILL ASK THESE, PROMISE ME NOW!
  6. When you land the interview, make sure to type of a “stats sheet” on the company. Their mission statement, any major business mergers/acquisitions, names of the Prez/VP/Comptroller etc. This NEVER fails.
  7. Be you. Don’t say what you think they need to hear. Also pepper in your personal values and code of ethics–> adultier adults love this!
  8. Lastly, IT IS OK TO BE SMART, AMBITIOUS AND HUNGRY. It’s not desperate, it says you have sworn yourself into the legion of success and will produce by any means necessary.

HAHAHAHA! On to my favorite topic the all rude, grand master of Petty– the demon lord.

Okay, so you’re laughing rolling your eyes like “this bitch”. But riddle me this have you ever hand one of those days (weeks or years) that makes no sense. Like things are going wrong, awkward and just down right irresponsibly? You my dear have run into the demon lord. Now I’ll be the first to say don’t point fingers when things get wonky, but fuck it all if some things aren’t just extraordinarily cosmically unjust. This is when it is perfectly in bounds to just “DAMMIT DEMON LORD”.

 Yep this little apple munching bastard is who I picture.

(art from twitter user @Ryukapplediary, depicted is Ryuk the Japanese Shinigami from the anime “Death Note”.)

But in all honesty those times, although cliché sounding, are what makes you quite the refined little minx. Problematic situations fine tune your ability to adapt and grow. What I just said in no way makes me feel better about shitty happenings and probably doesn’t make you feel elated either.  However this might:

IF THE JOURNEY OF LIFE DOESN’T SCARE YOU SHITLESS 5EVR YOU ARE NOT DOING IT RIGHT.

IF YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN SO NERVOUS THAT YOU HAD TO POOP RIGHT AWAY, AGAIN NOT DOING IT RIGHT

LAYING ON THE FLOOR CONTEMPLATING BECOMING A BUM, DRUG DEALER, RAPPER, STRIPPER, OR A CLERGY MEMBER IS TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE

Want to know why? Because you’re saying, doing, and feeling these things as you subconsciously have already started to plan and regroup. You make it every time. You’re the most clutch player on your team. When you’re ready to give up YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT, because you’re giving this brief blip on the universal screen every bit of hell you can muster. Keep it up Billy Badass, whatever works, keep it up!

 

-Hope

 

You mean I HAVE to put pants on?

You dream about affordable quality housing, being able to finance a vehicle without entering a blood pact to give away your first born (or at this rate your cat), and a closet full of clothes that aren’t “gently used”– welcome to your mid-20s. If right at this moment you are cussing Carrie Bradshaw and her oh so marshmellowy fashionista ” life is hard but walking in heels on cobblestone streets in Paris is harder” vibe, CUSS ON SISTER!

Us non-silver spoon sucking beings, must in fact work and try to figure out this tangled mess called adulthood. It’s ugly and uncomfortable and usually requires a lot of gangster rap and 90s grunge with a dash of self pep talks (after a fair amount of self deprecating ranting) well at least for me. But alas here we are and there the world is *peers disapprovingly at the so called world in that “You can’t sit with us type of way”*. It’s confusing and the ‘rents are stuck in the Clinton years with no perspective or useful advice, the economy is somewhere between that drunk guy in the corner and Wilhelmina from “Ugly Betty” and you’re unsure if your words texted per minute is resume appropriate. What to do? Where’s my booze? Are tights considered leggings and ultimately considered pants? Why is finding a job so hard? What am I doing wrong? Has the demon lord taken a personal interest in ruining my life?!

All of those are fine questions m’lady so lets go in order shall we?

What to do?

  1. Log out of Facebook- do it. DO IT NOW. It’s extraordinarily easy to fall into the bad habit of comparing your life to someone else’s and judging books by their often incredibly photogenic covers. Maybe they suck, maybe their life is a storybook but honestly you don’t care you’re just trying to distract yourself from other less appealing things in your life.
  2. Stop sharing every shred of your life. C’mon girl don’t nobody want to hear about or see the screenshot from that one particularly jerk ass guy you won’t stop sleeping with. We get it. I know it’s YOUR social media account and yes, you may do whatever you like, however what do you gain? What hole are you trying to fill or image are you trying to project? Think about it. Having a little mystery about yourself is never a bad thing, plus you’re SUPER capable lady love, you don’t need the opinion of the general populace to sway or alter your feelings or dreams.
  3. STEP AWAY FROM THE CELLULAR DEVICE, seriously put the damn thing down and take a few days to observe the world without a tempered glass screen in front of it. Scary, I know. But honestly give it a shot, you’d be surprised how much that little buzzing, beeping rectangle is holding you back from. Also you’ll notice how unhealthy your relationship with an inanimate object really is.
  4.  Drink more water. That’s it.
  5. http://www.topresume.com get that resume in shape and start going after opportunities you are really passionate about.
  6. Go back to school. Ew. Yassss I feel you honey, but shut up and get your life together. Knowledge isn’t only power it’s the key to success (yes DJ Khaled agrees with me) and no one can take it away from you. Plus you become ultra marketable AND dammit if you don’t look cute with a messy bun and your glasses on!
  7. Use the rest of your Ulta points- and then cool it on the beauty products and makeup tutorials. You are queenin’ the minute you wake up. Feel like a little color throw some on. But don’t ever feel like you have to follow makeup trends to be considered beautiful, not all of those trends make sense or are even all that attractive, not to mention how rude they are to your bank account. If your eyebrows don’t look like the Hollister bird and your eyeliner doesn’t look like an engineer did it, no one is going to notice because you’re a dime anyway.

WHERE’S MY BOOOOZE?

Alright sugar plum, hate to break it to you, but lay off the fire water. Drinking now and then totally more than okay. A glass with dinner or while watching your favorite show is the best. But drinking to cope isn’t. You had a nasty day at work reaching for the bottle isn’t the best option, while you think you’ll feel better alcohol is a depressant which can make things worse i.e. texting that jerk ass guy you won’t stop seeing. Break yourself of that all to normal tendency to associate negative feelings with a the need to drink. I’m guilty of it, no shame. Don’t do that to yourself though, it’s a form of self harm even though seemingly minor. Learn to vent and express yourself in a more healthy sober form: painting, writing, taking a walk, or my personal favorite hardcore dance sesh to my favorite Google Play channel.

Let’s let this soak in awhile and take a water break…

-Hope

Overload

As of right now I can officially say that I am overstimulated x 10. A lot has happened and is happening in the last week and next week. I’ve found that I am not doing the best job at processing the experiences that are coming.

My dad was hospitalized yesterday afternoon and then had emergency surgery today to rectify a bladder issue. Thankfully he is fine. Didn’t get back until well after 1 am though. But per usual the roughest part; him being combative, having to help clean him up and all the blood; I was alone at the hospital dealing with alongside the staff of the ED. My mother only showed up after it got serious, but not before she made a point to tell me I sounded like a crazy person who needed a pill. The mean spiritedness never fails to seep from her even in the most stressful situations.

I am trying to move this weekend into a better place (yay for no gunshots and shitty leasing unprofessionals) but let it be known you’ll know who your real friends are when you need to make a residential move. Need truck and some help heavy lifting, but it’s either $100+ for 4 pieces (bed, large chair, etc) or a noncommittal answer from the person who actually owns a truck.

Not to mention the people from my past flooding in. Facebook, Instagram, random texts….People I don’t have contact with for a reason. Never fails to amaze me., in that shaking your head/disbelief/wtf kind of way.

I have a hundred things I need to get done and on the other hand know that I need to unwind and recharge. But that is so much easier said than done when all 100 things are vying for first place. Hopefully tonight I get a little peace and fun, as well as some restful uninterrupted sleep.

Sending happy vibes to everyone, and if you have any to spare I’d sure appreciate them.

 

-Hope

If you think you’ve made bad decisions lately…

Please remember some disrespectful, lily livered, son of a bitch did this:

 

I present to you CHICKEN IN CAN (not my photo set)

canned-whole-chicken

Yes kids, you read it right. Chicken. In. A. Can.

Image result for rick ross pears

Gelatinous, viscous in various sections..you can almost smell it through the pictures. It probably squelches on it’s departure from the can *wheezes*.. Is that embryonic can jelly around this abominations leg parts? Mind you it demands you *gags* believe it is fully cooked. Sweet Sue my ass, this is clearly a sign that she did not love her Grandma. Or Grammy was one twisted sister. If anyone sees the aforementioned “Sweet Sue” or anyone with this alias…ON SIGHT. Grocery store, church, bump into her while getting some loosies at the bodega…GIVE HER THE HANDS FOR THIS.

 

I need to go lie down.

 

In nausea, yours,

Hope

I might have found a new place to live. Which is always exciting. It will be my first place all to myself. Terrifying. But I need to be in a better environment. Since the leasing office and old management basically breached their own lease, no better time than the present. Nervous about the increase in cost the most I think. I have furniture and moving help all nailed down. Lets hope ma dukes pitche$ in. No better way to say happy holidays than a new place right?! I have until Monday to decide.

I think…I feel like today the last bad thing has finally happened and it will go nowhere but up now. I’m so much more clear headed and concentrated. The past month has been like a pushing a truck up a hill with a string to put it mildly. Which part? What in particular? All of it…the whole lot of the last 4-6 weeks. I know grossly large estimate of a month but seriously…it has felt endless. So yeah? Maybe. No, not maybe lets exercise that age old mantra “speak it into existence”. Yes. Yes. Yes. Things are getting back on track. Back to school in January. Reconciliation and finally letting it all hangout.

Pump good vibes and positive thoughts this way because they are being returned to you 10 fold. Here’s to another day in the life….