The last word isn’t worth it. When you realize…

It sucks, but it’s true. Just had a fight Lost my shit yesterday. It gets extremely exhausting trying to be strong when you aren’t. Wasn’t feeling it anymore. It has been difficult trying teach someone a love language they aren’t used to. When they don’t think they are worthy of love and someone being good to them…it is almost like you have to break their brain and retrain it. FRUSTRATING. They may lash out, pull away, act up…like a caged animal being set free after years of mistreatment.

Still no excuse for me to have snapped the way I did. I do not regret getting my point across, disappointed in myself for the way I got it across.

**Full disclosure** I am sensational at destruction. I was told once a long time ago by a respected family friend that I am fair and level headed but a force of nature. If I have something to say the world will know if I so choose, and I will not be defied. An extremely sharp double edged sword. Don’t get me wrong it has served me well on different occasion in different ways, but it’s my personal kind of black magic so to speak.

That being said I stay away from it at all costs. I regulate myself and have coached my self into rationality and logical thinking. So oddly I am proud of feeling guilty for gassing a blowout. My feelings were hurt and I was fit to be tied from the last few weeks of making everything out of nothing ya know? So a pointed inquiry about my use of a metal whisk on a metal pan, despite the beautiful dinner prepared pictured threw me into the fire. (Please note I DID NOT use the whisk on the pan, I’m not a bumbling moron).

All that to say, I did not vie to have the last word. You heard it here first. Me, ole laser precision soul crusher didn’t go for the KO. Usually it isn’t worth it but it feels good, however unnecessary it is. But I have found someone who doesn’t deserve it and that I have no wish to take out like that.

Now don’t pat me on the back I didn’t reconcile, my after burners are still in full force from it. I am having to wrestle with this feeling of hurting like I was the one that got shot versus the one pulling the trigger. This is new, and confusing. But I need to apologize for blind siding them.

Purple Hair and Polka Dot Pants

This humble container of fuchsia hair dye, although small, is my small success. $5 and a trip to Sally Beauty Supply has provided me a new sense of freedom. Things have not been exactly smooth since graduation (May 2014), especially in the last month. But adding a random, pretty color to my hair has made things seem a little more manageable. Simple and superficial as it could sound, I don’t care. That is the best part of finally letting yourself off the hook and shirking the responsibility and accountability you have had to carry with you for years, you learn that you ARE NOT REQUIRED TO CARE.

IMG_20150213_000722

Then came the pair of polka dot pants that I absolutely adore. A month ago I never would have put them on…because my fear of the impending criticism was crippling…

Le Polka Dot Pants

Le Polka Dot Pants

I’ve crippled myself. I take full responsibility, although there are facets that I couldn’t control. I let someone (my mother) dig her claws so deep into me that in the last month of my 24th year of life, I’m just starting to get a hold of who I am and what I can be. Self deprecating and self shaming is no way to live. Being a sunshine loving, dance in inappropriate places, funny, book loving hippy baby, that loves all things glitter is totally ok! People love me the way I have been (we shall call that period the dark years) and I am starting to see that they are showing even more support and a greater love towards as I make my baby steps out into myself. So TAKE THAT world and all the expectations and unrealistic goals that I DO NOT CARE to meet or attain. I’ll be happily sashaying about in my polka dot trousers and flipping my deep and subtly purple hair!